One of those weird nights

I’m still young for this but I started to think about the future, and I don’t mean tomorrow, next month or next year. I mean the real future, like 10, 20, 30 years from today. 

I see some people I know and I think they’ll get a job and have a life just like my parents or their parents. That’s ok because my parents have a great life.

But then I think.. what about me?

Do I want to live like my parents? Do I want to live in this city or near here?

The answer is no. The answer was always no.

In a few years I will have to choose. Actually I’m already planning stuff.

But then I’ll go live my life and leave my parents here? There’s no one to take care of them and they’ll need me in 10, 15 years. 

I always need to have something I want to achieve in the future, that makes me happy. And I mean something I can achieve, and I know some things I can’t achieve like a cure for diabetes, be skinny or very healthy (because I’m really bad at some things and these are part of it). 

When I was 17 it was be accepted in a nice university, which I did, not the one I always wanted but a similar one.

When I was 19 was go to an american university for one year. Which I did, it was kind of near NYC which made it even more amazing!

When I was 20 was get an internship. First I got it, then I didn’t and them I got it again.

Now I’m 21. And I don’t know what’s next to want. It might me a masters degree in an american university two years from today, in a city like Seattle. Or live in São Paulo. Or just something not related to my academic life.

I just wanted to write this in a place I’ll read years from now to see if I was very stupid and weird or if I was smart.

Since I turned 20, 21 things changed. I’m not an adult, but I feel like I should be one. But I’m not. But I don’t like things I use to love like living with my parents, watching TV and others. I’m a new me, but I’m still me. I’m tired of meeting people that I don’t feel comfortable with and end up being the super shy person because I don’t know what/how to talk to them. I’m not 16 anymore, that’s not ok, I should act like an adult but why I can’t? 

It’s like I’m in the middle. But that happens when you are 18 right? I always feel like I’m 3 years younger.